Posted by: glitterseason | August 17, 2011

root

I know a lot of people with trich bite the root off. I do and it’s a lot of the motivation to find the ‘right’ root that means I keep pulling. I love to find a ‘big’ root and to bite it lightly in the middle and then remove it with my teeth. Obviously I then eat the root.  I feel terribly ashamed of this and am always worried someone will catch me. They never have (or just never said anything). I can’t even bring myself to tell my doctor that I do this common behaviour. It’s a habit which is far too embarrassing to ever discuss but that makes me wonder about recovery. I am still on a waiting list for CBT (it has now been 6 months since my assessment and over 2 years since my referral). CBT works when you are honest. I know I am going to have to discuss this embarrassing habit with someone who may not have ever treated someone with trich. The thought fills me with horror!

Has anyone ever done this?

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Posted by: glitterseason | July 3, 2011

Well

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted here. This is going to be a short one for now.

I have had my assessment for CBT and am now on the waiting list; so far it’s been 4 months and two years have passed since my referral date!

BUT in good news, I am really well at the moment. I haven’t ever felt this well! I have energy, the world is beautiful again, I haven’t self harmed in 8 months and it has been really EASY. I feel so lucky that my mood has just lifted and I don’t feel depressed. Life is so much easier without depression, food tastes better, people are enjoyable to be around, hobbies are possible, sleeping is easier, work is easier…everything is so amazing.

Hair pulling-wise; I am still doing it. It is the one thing which does not correlate to my mood. I still do it if I am happy, sad, anxious, depressed etc etc. But we shall see how I can recover….

 

Posted by: glitterseason | February 2, 2011

a referral!

Wow. Yes I have a referral! It’s taken almost two years to get an appointment for an assessment and I am so relieved. It is with the psychotherapy department over at South London and Maudsley (SLAM) for CBT (Cognitive behavioural Therapy). It would be long-term, for around 18-40 weeks. Which is a massive relief for me as this is what I need. However I am nervous that I wont be able to properly articulate my problems. I find it so difficult to talk about self-injury let alone hair pulling….I am really good at covering up and hiding what is wrong. At the moment I am pretty well mentally and have been for over a month. I have to fill in lots of paper assessments to send back before my appointment in early march.

Wish me luck!!

Posted by: glitterseason | January 24, 2011

happy new year!

wow! How is it 2011? I hope everyone is well!

I’ve had a few ups and downs since my last entry. Late November I broke up with my boyfriend. It was difficult and the relationship had been going wrong since March when he gave me an STI…. obviously I was/am extremely angry and hurt, especially as I have never had unprotected sex in my life, which I think is quite unusual for a girl in her mid-20s. I thought I could forgive him and move on, but nothing has been the same since. I was avoiding sex and feeling more and more miserable and in the end we drifted apart. He ended it. That night, we met in London and he told me we should split. I was so upset, I don’t like crying on public transport, so I travelled home before I could cry. When I arrived home I just cried and cried. I drank a bottle of ginger wine (which I now hate!!!) and cut myself. It was honestly a massive relief. I cut myself about 60 times in one go. I could finally breathe. When I awoke in the morning, I felt so much better, like my body had been purged of all the hurt and pain felt since march.

Since then, things have got better. I feel so much happier. I am enjoying being single. Work has improved. Life has improved in general. I haven’t self harmed and for the first time in ages, I havent even had the urge. I have been to parties, clubs, gigs and house parties and I even got to sleep with a girl…

But what all this proves is that the hair pulling has NOT decreased or increased. It seems mood has no impact on trich for me. Maybe anxiety sometimes, but I find myself doing it all the time. It is a habit of poor impulse control, not mood. Hmph.

So happy 2011!

Oh….still haven’t heard from the CMHT….

Posted by: glitterseason | November 8, 2010

trich in the news today!

So Trich was in the news today! Guess what? The NHS should be offering us more support! And yes; doctors saying ‘just stop’ doesn’t work!

Thank goodness people are wising up. It’s a shame it focuses on those who have hair loss, not every person with trich has noticeable hair loss. I used to but now my hair is just thin. (and I have 1/2 an eyebrow missing!!!)

More info here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/11701462

___

Also interestingly, on the BBC programme ‘Freak Like Me’ that was on tonight, there was a story about a man who has an obsession with plucking his pubic hair and sometimes his chest hair. It was shown and something a bit weird and funny, but he was talking about how much relief he gets from pulling; which is the same as I think most people with Trich feel like. I am sure it will be up on iplayer soon!

 

Posted by: glitterseason | October 24, 2010

mess

I broke. I self harmed on my arm for the first time in years.

I chose to do it, thinking about where I could hide it, where I could deal with it being seen, where I could DEAL WITH A SCAR.

It wasn’t impulsive but it was done to make me feel better. And it did, for all of 5 seconds. It is all so pointless and there really is no need for me to cut myself anymore, but I my depression is just getting worse. I haven’t told anyone, I am still wearing my ‘happy mask’. No one knows just how unwell I am; I’m amazing at covering up (in more ways than one!). I am pro-recovery but how can I get better without help? I have asked for help!! My doctor phoned me on Friday to update me on the CMHT situation, still nothing. She is trying to push for the referral, but seemingly getting nowhere!

I guess I make things worse as I am not 100% honest about my problems. I have never told my GP I self harm, despite having started at 10 years old…thats almost two decades of self-injury undocumented!

Posted by: glitterseason | September 26, 2010

‘safe’ and ‘safe’

Sometimes I feel as though I am just living in a little ‘safe bubble’. I am ‘safe’ with my job and ‘safe’ with my relationship. But neither are what I really want but they are livable. I am so frustrated, I need to take a leap, or risk in order to change, neither of which have guaranteed results.

I HATE my job. I am sick of the people I work with, the ward I work on and the politics of working in the NHS and generally how every mental health nurse is incapable of having a conversation in English. Ok so that was a generalisation, I have met some excellent mental health nurses, but generally, the ones on my ward are just…..useless. I can’t stand going into work and decisions being made that I fundamentally DON’T AGREE WITH yet I have to go along with the team. Anyway, do I give up my career, take a pay cut and do something I actually enjoy? (don’t get me wrong, I love working with the patients, just not the staff).

My relationship. Basically I am with a man, I identify as bisexual but really, I feel I need to be in a relationship with a woman. But I am shamefully too scared and confused to do anything about it. I can’t talk about it in my counselling sessions as she has made it clear she doesn’t feel able to talk about the subject. I think it’s because she either has no knowledge or is religious. (Yes I have met healthcare professionals who don’t want to work with gay people because it is against their religion.) I can’t talk to her about pulling my hair out either.

I just feel so stuck. In a complete rut, I just want to hide for a while, so I can rest and get a hold of my mental health.

PS I STILL haven’t heard from the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team). It has now been 14 months since my referral. I may end up naming and shaming the NHS Trust on this blog. I told a colleague about my referral and he said that if it had have been a physical problem eg heart problems, and it had taken 14 months, then it probably would have been unheard of and probably hit the news. But with mental health, well it obviously isn’t that high on the agenda.

Posted by: glitterseason | August 7, 2010

complexities

I have trichotillomania, it’s on my medical records, I have seen it. Yet I have never been offered formal treatment for it, probably because I also suffer from depression. It makes me wonder, depression is seen as a more serious illness and trichotillomania seems to be seen as a ‘side illness’ or co-morbid. I personally see it as separate. Ok so I pull when I am anxious and stressed but it does feel different. It feels to me like biting your nails….except more embarrassing.

I am not really sure what my point is. I don’t think I will ever stop. Like the Dresden Dolls song ‘Bad Habit’, the lyric ‘even if I quit there’s not a chance in hell I’d stop’. So true.

Having said that I have had one achievement recently. I have the habit of peeling off my nail cuticle (disgusting I know!). I do it when I am anxious and it leaves behind a white mark, a little like calcium deposits (or whatever they are!!!!). They make my nails look awful, just white lines all the way up. Anyway I have been trying hard to stop to try to have nice nails as people are noticing. I seem to be doing well.

On the CMHT front…I have heard nothing. It has taken a London CMHT  a year now to accept my referral. I have been advised to make a complaint, but as I work in mental health, I really don’t want to be seen as ‘one of those people’.

Hmph.

Posted by: glitterseason | July 18, 2010

Girls on the Pull

anyone see this programme on Channel 4 (UK only…!)

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/girls-on-the-pull

Brave women.

Posted by: glitterseason | June 13, 2010

70k

70k views…people appear to be reading.

I am fed up.

But thank you.

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