Posted by: glitterseason | November 30, 2008

I am an idiot (doctors….hairdressers..)

so as the title says, I am an idiot.

Last week I had a doctors appointment booked on Monday. I got confused and thought it was on Tuesday and so missed it. I was going to pluck (haha for the pun there) up the courage to ask for help. Well I shall have to try and book an appointment for next week.

Tomorrow I have a hairdressers appointment. I am so nervous, not had my haircut since March. My hair is thin around my ears, particularly on the left side and  there is a lot of new growth…but I do not have bald patches at the moment, not like I used to. Hairdressers always ask about the new growth, its embarrassing.
I remember back when I was 14…I had pulled all my hair from the crown of my head. I didn’t even realise there was a bald patch until I was laying in the bath and felt the cold of the bath tub on the back of my head. It made me feel sick. Anyway, it grew back about 8cm but just looked so stupid so I pulled it out again….and got another bald patch. I made a conscious decision then, to let it grow back and pull from all over my head rather than just one spot. So I did this….and it grew back bright red and coarse. It didn’t match my hair and just looked so stupid. I didn’t have my hair cut for a couple of years and never wore my hair down from the ages of 14-18. Thankfully six years later it has grown out and back to normal, but I still have a fear of hairdressers..and their questions.

Argh! I wish I could just stop pulling, it appears so simple, yet I keep finding my hair back to my head, PULLING.

_______________

In other stuff happening…I have felt pretty low recently and totally out of control. Also feel really really big and fat and generally disgusting. Have been cutting back on food, having a cuppa soup for lunch etc. But I still feel big. I am a size 8. I really don’t understand why I feel like this at the moment. I also really really feel like cutting myself again. I was out shopping earlier and I was in Claire’s Accessories and I just thought, I need to cut…deeply and soon.

I also keep having thoughts of hating people. Everyone. I love people really, but my brain keeps telling me to hate everyone and its really really upsetting.

I can’t be bothered to type anymore.

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Responses

  1. I understand the hating business. I find if I force myself to think good thoughts it often works that way, but if not, then I hope your brain gets off its trip soon. 🙂

    x Natty

  2. I totally understand how you feel. You are not at all alone.

  3. It’s so weird, I stumbled across this site and reading your post glitterseason, it was like looking back through my memories. I have so many similarities to you. I also put off going to the hairdresser because of their questions. At the moment I’ve led them to think the shorter patches are from straightener heat damage.
    I also mainly pull from the left side around my ear, I find it feels best, don’t know why …
    Your comment has given me the courage to finally go to the doctor and attempt to get some help. I don’t know when, but I am going to do it. So thankyou. Is there any chance you would like to keep in contact?


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