Posted by: glitterseason | October 21, 2008

this world in which we live…or exist.

been a right roller coaster recently.

Basically, I was sexually assaulted just under a month ago. I live in London…and I should know better then to go on the tube on my own late at night drunk. Some would say I was asking for it to happen, taking such a stupid risk.

I had had such a wonderful evening, laughed lots, seen some lovely people…but was very tired and drunk by about midnight and decided to get the tube home. I’ve done it a million times so wasn’t even thinking of the risk…but when I was on the Piccadilly line, a Greek looking man got on. I was standing up by the door and closed my eyes as I was so tired. He came over to me and started asking where I was changing trains and I told him (stupidly) and he said he was getting off at the station before. I nod…smile politely and shut my eyes, drifting in and out of consciousness. I remember waking up and feeling him pressing against me and in my daze I looked around and the carriage was empty…and then felt his hand on my thigh. I started to get scared but couldn’t move as he had cornered me. By this point he was moving his hand further up my thigh, which was completely inappropriate…but I still couldn’t move. In my drunken state I decided I was better off pretending I was still 1/2 asleep, scared in case he did something else to me. I remember I moved my leg so that his hand would not be touching me anymore but he just moved his hand back and then proceeded to touch me where he really should not have done.  Then when he was finished he touched my face and told me it was my stop next before jumping off the tube.

I don’t know if I should have reported this to the police…after all there was no evidence and I was really drunk. I just went home, dusted myself off and pretended everything was fine. I blocked it out my head really.

You would thing that was it…but no. Saturday night I was out with some friends and we got attacked. I was kicked and chased, one friend got kicked too another got hit round the head and another with a belt buckle. All in a packed London street at about 10pm. No one tried to help us, it was completely unprovoked too.

Once we got to the club, I went to the toilets, still feeling shaky from having to run away and from being so damn scared….I locked myself in the toilets, calmly took a safety pin off from my dress and cut my hip six times. Then I calmly pinned it back on myself, composed myself and acted as if nothing at all had happened.

I keep panicking when out, that someone is coming to get me, that someone is coming to kick me or touch me or attack me in a worse way then the past two times this month. Also…things come in threes right? Whats coming next? I am so anxious that I am pulling out SO much hair. I have realised stress makes pulling worse for me. I know its kinda obvious but I have only really just realised.

In other news, I had a period lasting from the end of july to the end of september. Needless to say I felt ill and sad and angry at my body. PCOS is fucking with my body again.

I don’t really feel too good at the moment.

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Responses

  1. i came across your blog last night, and i have to say i love it. i have read all of your posts and i have to say you are a very brave woman

    you’ve inspired me to start my own blog about living with trich, thankyou 🙂

  2. Hello, im Josh..17 and a senior in high school in Hutchinson Kansas. i just came up to your blog by complete accident honestly. i Just want you to know that no matter what problems you have and how far down you feel or whatever has happened to you, Jesus Christ loves you. he loved you so much he lived 33 years without falling into the worlds tempations even once. then he died so that anyone could accept him as their savior and live eternally in Heaven.
    I hope you have a good day =)
    God Bless

  3. Hey, it’s so cool that you can put this on here. You’re talking about it, which is really encouraging. No one could recover from such traumatic experiences overnight. Any counselor would love to lend an ear, but if you’re not ready, don’t worry. Doctors might want to know about what you’ve been through. Because your body has been through so much, the dopamine might be particularly low in your body…just a thought.

  4. thank you so much to both of you.

    x


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