Posted by: glitterseason | October 14, 2007

black hole

i think im falling down a black hole again and slowing down. I cant hold my attention for long. I couldnt do any of the things I needed to do today. (it was my day off). I have to work tomorrow. Fake being happy. Cried in the bath tonight. This blog is my only outlet now. To everyone in the world I am ‘recovered’ but I am feeeling really really awful.

I cried when i didnt turn the light switch off.

Ive lost my appetite again and interest in food. Barely eaten today and not even interested. I need to be ok, got a big interview on friday for my dream job. At the moment I couldnt really give a shit. I dont care if i dont even wake up tomorrow. I cant face anything. I cant face eating, talking, smiling or even getting out of bed.

I think I need to go back to the doctor, but I cant be bothered and that would mean admitting to my parents, whom I still live with that there is something wrong. I am so horrible to them anyway, I dont deserve to be with them…infact I shouldnt really exist, I wish I had aborted myself as a foetus.

Purhaps tomorrow will be better.

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Responses

  1. It is interesting to know someone else who has similar ‘problems’ to my own. Although I do not believe that the two of us suffer from the same ‘illness’ some and I stress severely the word ‘some’, of the symptoms are the same.

    “To everyone in the world I am ‘recovered’ but I am feeeling really really awful.”

    Through out what I am beginning to finally understand of myself as having a mental illness I have fought constantly with various struggles. Not really knowing what it was that I am struggling against or why. To that effect I constantly build myself up and then in the end systematically destroy everything I have worked so hard to create. It is hard to actually make sense of what it is that I am trying to say, though I would believe you could understand.

    I have finally given up the idea that I can make something of myself and fight these ‘battles’ by myself. I do need help, and honestly would not have truly come to that conclusion if it were not for the assistance of my sister who has pushed me in the direction of help. Do I want it? I honestly don’t know, nor do I really feel that it would help me. From everything that I have researched about my personal ‘symptoms’ I cross into various illness’ and of course I would not be able to self diagnose myself, even were I professionally qualified to do so. Though what I have learned is that I could easily qualify myself as having:

    “Antisocial Personality Disorder”, “Bi-Polar 1” and “Borderline Personality Disorder”.

    I don’t know what the psychiatrist is going to tell me when I go in and see him here in about three weeks or so. I suppose we’ll have to wait and see till then though I am doing much like Pole to Polar is doing. Keeping an account of what I believe to be the record of a sociopath…

  2. You don’t have to admit to your parents that anything is wrong if you don’t want to, or if you don’t think it would help. You can take anti-depressants and not tel them, unless of course you have a huge problem with secrecy (something I don’t have!).

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. I can realte to it so, so much. I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants because I didn’t want to rely on them, and now I feel awful and well, I guess I just wanted to say I know how you feel and I want you to know that you are not alone.

    You do deserve to exist, you are just having a tough time at present. Try not to focus too much on the job interview, OK so it’s for a dream job, but stressing yourself out about it so much that you are convinced you’ve failed before you even get there is not going to help you, is it?

    This probably sounds like total crap and that I’m just throwing platitudes at you, but I’m not. I know where you are coming from (I self-harm, I have trichotillomania – although less so than I used to) and I just want you to realise that there are people out there who care, even if they don’t know you, and there are people out there who want you to be OK and to get help.

    Best of luck with everything,

    Ruth

  3. thank you x

  4. It’s OK. I just hope you feel a bit better soon.
    Ruth


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