Posted by: glitterseason | October 6, 2007

scarring

scar1 (skär) pronunciation
n.

  1. A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed.
  2. A lingering sign of damage or injury, either mental or physical: nightmares, anxiety, and other enduring scars of wartime experiences.
  3. Botany. A mark indicating a former attachment, as of a leaf to a stem.
  4. A mark, such as a dent, resulting from use or contact.

I was looking at mine today.  Pulling and contorting the skin, trying to see what I have done. It is nothing but a lumpy mess. White blobby bits and lines upon lines. Thank goodness it is out of view.

I am finding this so hard self injurywise at the moment. I am not doing at the moment. My closest friend, however, is. She has an eating disorder. We used to live together and over the past couple of years her eating disorder developed. She was throwing up a lot, and has a complete addiction to it. When she couldn’t do that she cut or starved. Things got so bad and I really thought she was going to die. If you have been watching the UK soap, Hollyoaks, then you would get an idea. I went through pretty much what the character Hannah’s parents are going through. The complete and utter sheer panic. It is good I am not living with her at the moment because I can pretend it isn’t real. I love her so much and seeing her suffer breaks my heart.

Anyway, she started self injuring, well cutting really. In the same place as I did. The guilt I feel is immense. I feel entirely responsible for it. I can’t bear to talk about it with her as it upsets me too much. Rips me in two. I found her blade, when I was living with her. She knew I used to break blades out of razors, she had done the same. I didn’t take the blade away of course, I left it. But I have no idea what damage she is doing now….I don’t think she even wants to get better. It makes me feel frustrated, but also guilty for what I put my own family and friends through.

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Responses

  1. It isn’t your fault. You didn’t force the blade into her hand and force her to cut herself. She took the decision upon herself and you cannot be held responsible for what she chooses to do to herself.

    Would you blame anyone else for making you self-harm? Thought not, so why do you blame yourself. It’s tough when a close friend starts doing what you did – in an almost copycat way – but you can help her. You clearly care an awful lot about her, so support her, make her feel wanted and be there for her. But please, stop beating yourself up about it.
    Ruth

  2. This is a really sad post, i feel your pain
    I’m really sorry she hurts herself so much
    I know the pain of self harm, of eating disorders. It makes me sad to hear about others, but to know someone must be a hard situation.
    I know there is a post here, i’m sure you have seen it already, that may help
    I hope she get better, i really do
    x


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