Dissociation is basically the feeling of not being real. There is a better explanation here.
Most people who suffer from this have suffered some kind of abuse, or have some other kind of disorder (I have experienced neither). However everyone at some point will have a dissociative experience, such as being in the car and not remembering having driven part of the journey, or forgetting where you are when you watch a film. These are normal.
However, I never feel real. I feel dream like and distant. I know that in the early stages of this problem, 7 years ago, it felt like I was 2 people, the physical me and the actual me. I would feel like I was looking down on myself, distant but still there. Now there is the physical me but the other part has disappeared. Gone.
It feels like I am looking out of someone elses eyes, like my arms and hands are someone elses. Its so strange because I am still in touch with reality, I know this is real, I know I am real yet I constantly question it. I am forever snapping back to reality, realising I have been having a conversation with someone but not really there. I have to say to myself ‘this is real’ to try and cover up how dissociated I am.
Sometimes I have blanked out somethings that have happened…I have messed things up on my degree course because of this.
This is why I want to hurt myself and pull hair out because it is a reconnection to myself.
At the moment I just don’t know where to go.