Posted by: glitterseason | August 28, 2007

Self Mutilation

I like this poster. Click to view larger….

I am really missing my self injury. I miss cutting myself. I am being honest here, at some sick level I loved it, needed it and nurtured it. I loved creating scars and seeing blood, and I especially loved how it made me feel. I always felt so much better, especially if I had cut deeply. I know I should have had stitches many times, but I didn’t because I enjoyed it too much.

HOWEVER

I hate that part of me that likes it. I wish I didn’t have it because so much of me hates and I hate having scars. I hate being so ambivalent. It makes giving up and letting go so damn fucking hard.

Still, I am determined not to do it anymore. This is exactly the same as hair pulling.

I am scared to tell people about the hair pulling in case they make me stop.

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Responses

  1. I chanced upon your blog just today. I myself suffer from depression. I have a slight compulsion to pull out my hair, but not to a problem level yet, and I’m working to stop it early. I do not self mutilate, but with many other depression related compulsions, living can be a nightmare. It can get really terrible when you’re crying at the end of each day during a stressful month, or hyperventilating, freaking out, crying or snapping at everything anywhere! My life is hard, and stress, sadness, spikes up everything many many times. When I’m calmer, cooler, happier, I’m okay.

    I wanted to tell you this because I wanted to write and tell you that I admire you for your fight. I understand how difficult it is to talk about it, to try to explain it to anyone, to try to stop yourself when you know its crazy. I get a huge relief when I follow my compulsions, even though I regret so much later. It sounds ridiculous, and sometimes its really insane, and I know how hard it is to still fight it, even when all your logic is telling you to stop.

    Depression and stress hurts, and while I don’t know what you must go through, I can relate at some level and understand. But having suffered for years and years, I know that after a while fighting it becomes a habit, and then it becomes easier. Fight on, glitterseason, fight on. You might fail tomorrow, but then another day comes and you have another chance. And eventually you find the tricks, the tips, the support system that will help you through. It never ends, unfortunately, but take comfort in knowing there are many others fighting next to you. And you’ve already done so much by accepting, and setting the determination to stop cutting, stop hair pulling, and fighting your depression. Its okay if you miss it, if you want it, and even if sometimes its just too hard…but remember not to give up, there is always another day, and another chance.

    Good luck. I’ll be watching and praying for ya. 🙂 Fighting! 🙂

  2. And I also wanted to say: Thanks for sharing your struggle with the world. Others out there are grateful to know someone is going through the same things, the same feelings and crappy days, and it helps because its such a bumpy, difficult road. Thanks!

  3. I hear you. I have been feeling the urge to start cutting myself again recently. I told my doctor about it years ago. He told me that normally self mutalaters aren’t suscidal, which made me feel a little more sane. He told me it that the pain releases endorphins and that is one of the reasons why it is pleasurable. (I think it is because all you can focus on is the here and now/physical world=non-mental world)

    I have tried exercise (the bike hard til you vomit kind) but it takes to long sometimes.

    Yesterday I went swimming in The Great Lake just so I could feel the pain of the icy water. The pain didn’t help that much, but the waves and solitude did.

    I believe there is a “normal” way to get the same feeling, but without the guilt and shame I felt while cutting myself.

    I don’t feel weird about my urges. I just think there are different answers to the question. Pulling your hair sounds like a good way to step away from cutting. I will still on occasion punch myself in the face, but there has to be a “normal” way to get the same feeling.

    Best of Luck,

    BTY I recommend deep back country camping, alone, in the mountains, at some point in your life. It is nice to suffer minor discomfort of sleeping on the ground with a thin pad, tarp, and a pillow. The pain from walking more than you can or should is great. It is good to know that if you had an accident (fall, lost, bear or moose attack) and died your body won’t be found for months or years. It is also tranquil. It was some of the best moments of my life and cleaned up my head.

  4. i cut. i havent done it in a while. but this has been going on since i was little. i used to hit myself or hit anything, mainly i used to bite myself until it felt like my teeth were going to break. this cutting this started in the ninth grade im now a junior. i honestly wish i had never done it because i gave people including one of my best friends that idea. not only that be last year he tried to kill himself by trying to OD. now we don’t talk. and others have gotten the idea from him. and he blames himself when i wish he would blame me and stop freaking about it.
    but it’s hard to quit doing something that is your release when you live in a house thats full of stress, yelling, and chaos…it’s worse when you find out that your mom had secretly bought books about it as if to better understand my mind. she bribes me and now treats me differently since she found out. she doesn’t trust me and she always looks at my arm checking for signs.
    i wish i could stop. but all this time it was just building inside me and im afraid to see what happens if i let that happen again…
    if anyone has any ideas you can message me at yahoo

  5. im wanting to cut at the moment.i cant believe im writing about this.like anyone cares.we all have our own shit to deal with, but reading ur comments passes time and lets face it time is our healer, we just have to get past the times we want to cut. Ive been to A and E before for cuts that were deep, and i havent done it for a good few weeks, but their comes the moment wen ur alone, bored and thinking a little too much. something thats saved me is writing. on my self. backwards. I write backwards as it concentrates my mind on something, and i write on myself to mark my self safely, i write all the bad things my heads saying, so it gets it out of me, but i dont forget them. it really helps, but theres always gonna be harder moments. The worst thing you can do it pick up the blade.i cant because the scars are just too bad. I cant scar myself anymore, thats what i think to try to stop myself. Tonight i saved myself by walking, i walked outside then went to a close friends until i felt the feeling had passed. time is our healer, we just have to get through the moments

  6. i have been hurting myself for about a year now, but i’ve always loved pain, picking at scabs and leaving scars. i hated liking it, but my love of self-sacrifice, of seeing blood, and wishing that someone knew what was inside my head escalated last year. And i started burning myself with candles. I thought the cutting idea was too common for me, and I’m artisitc so burning seemed more meaningful. But this past month or so i’ve moved to cutting even though i thought i would never do that. but i’m trying to stop. i feel for you, your struggle. it does feel alweful to love the pain and blood.
    it’s a love hate relationship i guess.
    my main fear is that if i keep it up i will drive away the love of my life, even though he’s never mad when i tell him about it the next day, or show him a new scar, i’m afraid, even though he tells me we will get through this.

    course my need to cut and hurt myself stems from no self-confidence and a need to quiet my head by diverging it’s attention to my body.

    websites keep saying to find the triggers that make u want to hurt urself, and to find out why you do it. that seems to be the first step to me.
    keep it up though, you are doing much better than i am thats for sure.

  7. i just came across your blog when looking at pictures of scars and cuts to try and stop myself. i don’t know what came over me but all i want to do is bleed and i’m so not used to that. i haven’t cut myself for months and months and i was pulling through really well but recently a friend cut herself, not seriously but just a little on the side of her wrists and it’s just brought up new fire for an old passion. i wanted to try something new so i bit myself a while back but it doesn’t have nearly as good as relief as seeing the blood did.
    i have to try and overcome this.
    thank you for proving that there are others out there good luck.

  8. I miss it too 😦 It’s been months since I cut myself seriously. My boyfriend thinks I’m over it, but the truth is, I think about it constantly and have really only stopped because it would be impossible to hide it from him. I really understand what you mean when you say you loved creating scars and seeing blood, but hated it at the same time. I can never show off my legs again because of scars, and I hate that; but at the same time, I love it. Or something.
    Anyway. We both know cutting is not a good thing. Hair pulling is bad too 😦 I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I really hope things get better for you!

  9. i have been clean for over 8 months
    it killed me not to cut but i did it
    it really sucks to just look down and all you see is scars. thats what got me through. I was tired of people looking at me differently and i asking if i was going to be okay. Just look down at those scars and remember why your doing it. Because chances are its not for a good reason, nothing is that bad to do that. Thats what i’ve realized. My cutting got to the point were i tried to end my life. everyone has to remember that you will be missed. You may think well no one cares but they do. You are one of a kind. I didn’t do this alone. I had friends to help me, you may not want to tell them but do it. You may think that they will be upset. Well yeah but they will be more worried about you. So if anyone is reading this and is going through what most of us have just look at those scars and ask yourself is it really worth it. And if you don’t think every day is a good one, trying missing one. Anyone can change their life around. You just have to have the will to do it. Your not the only ones who go through this, never forget.

  10. hey i’m lily and i just wanted to say that i do hurt myself a lot! this is what i do sometimes when i feel sad or mad. i sometimes bang my body against the wall or sometimes i hit the bruises as hard as i can and then they get bigger but i always cut myself and when i cut well i don’t know what it is but when i do it,it makes me feel so safe and it relaxes me so much. i don’t know if i would ever be able to stop doing that but i know i won’t try to stop doing all that. it’s me and who knows if i could change it and i’m being very honest and i’m proud of everything i do to hurt myself! 🙂

  11. i know how do you feel. Iv been very stressed these days and i feel the need of cutting myself! i try not to think about it and i try to do something else like play videogames or to take a loooooong shower with hot water.

    my record is of 4 days without cutting myself but i stoped it today. 😦

    look, i wont try to stop you or to tell you that this is wrong because i do exactly the same thing, but maybe if you can stop doing it i could learn something else about how to stop self mutilating.

  12. i know what you mean! i’ve been cutting for almost two years now. i’ve tried to stop so many times but that never happened. but now i’m going to stop but i’m afraid that years from now i’ll start again and i won’t be able to stop.it’s so hard i already miss it. it’s been like two weeks i hate it!!!! well i hope you can do it’s hard but your not alone

  13. NÃO FLO INGLêS SÓ QUERIA AJUDA ,EU ME MULTILO.

  14. I cut, and I want to quit, I’ve tried, I’ve failed. I want to stop. But I want to keep going. I’m considering stopping, and now when I think about cutting, it’s not as appealing as it used to be for me. Want to know why? Go to google images and type in Self Mutilation and then click search. Look at some of those people. Some have cut themselves so much they’ve died, the cut until their’s nothing more to cut. Look at those pictures, and then think about cutting yourself, does it have the same attraction? I look at those pictures everyday. You may think that your not going to cut yourself as badly as they do, but look what happens when you do? When you mutilate yourself that much. You”l never be able to swim anymore, never be able to wear sexy clothes, never wear thin skimmpy dresses because of your scars. Cutting takes alot from your life. It ruins it.

    And I’m a cutter. I’m not afraid to admit. I AM TWELVE AND I AM A CUTTER. I have the same problem. I can’t stop, it’s not as apealing because I’ve seen such horrible sights, because I haven’t lived yet. Cutting, no matter how hard you try CAN’T be controlled. I want to be able to swim at the pool or hang out on the beach with my friends, I want to wear sexy clothes someday without the shame of my scars. Don’t you?

    It is hard, and your not alone, no matter how much you think you are, your not alone.

  15. i really appreciated your honestly here. More of us should be this honest. I hugely miss self injury while in recover or whatever you want to call it. I miss the same thinbgs as you. and i miss the urgency, they simpleness of having one response to any given distressor. I miss taking care of myself in that way, being self-sufficient in my misery. Yeah…i miss it. It doesnt mean i wish i was harming right now, i just..miss it. Like anyone misses any addiction or habit. Ad the longer i keep away, the less extreme and less frequent the urge to relapse becomes. Well done on such an honest, provoking post. i loved it. xxx


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