Posted by: glitterseason | August 16, 2007

Today has been a bad day for hair pulling.

*warning, may be triggering to self harmers* 

Yup.

Well I have been stressed today, trying to meet deadlines for uni. Throughout the day I have frequently found my hand creeping towards my head, feeling that familiar ‘tug’ and relief.

I’ll be honest, it does feel good. I do like it, at the same time as hating it!!!! I love that feeling of when it’s tugged out. The bigger the root the better it feels. Sometimes I will sit pulling until I find a big root. Then I am not satisfied and will carry on and before long there is hair all around me.

Today I have also pulled eyebrows…this is a different feeling to pulling hair out of my head. Sort of spiky.

How the eyebrow pulling started:

I was working somewhere VERY stressful end of 2005…well not working, I was on a placement. My supervisor was a bitch and constantly put me down. I could feel my depression spiraling out of control and would spend any moment I could, calming down in the toilets…or crying. I felt like everything I was doing was wrong, and that everyone in the office I was in hated me. (probably untrue!) I was cutting at that time too. My housemate was a nightmare too, although I can’t talk about that too much as it would identify me and probably be unfair to her.

Anyhow, I was often bored in the office with nothing to do but read the health and safety manual over and over. I began to find that I was playing with my left eyebrow, by the end I had lost 1/2 an eyebrow. I looked stupid and I fucking hated myself for it. Its since mostly grown back, but its just another addiction I seem to have lost control over.

Other stuff today

My anti-depressants seem to be making me drowsy and unable to concentrate. I feel like I have cotton wool in my head! Also I am on citalopram which is an old type of SSRI, but in other words, its the cheapest one for doctors to prescribe. Which is shit because I really don’t think it is doing anything other then numbing me into oblivion. Anyway my parents think I should come off them, but I really don’t want to at the moment. Maybe switch but not come off them.

Parents

I thought my parents understood about my depression…but now I am not too sure. They said today how I have been fine over the past few years and gone to sixth form, college, uni etc etc. This is true, I have managed these things but I have not done my best. I am frustrated at how well I have hidden things. How do you know when you are well or unwell? At that time I was cutting myself on a regular basis and was incredibly unhappy, now I am medicated and not cutting. So am I better now? My parents seem to think that because of all my stresses this year, that is what caused me to become depressed, but really I was already. I was just sensible and got help.

Anyway, I’m tired and in a bad mood, pissed off for pulling so much hair and feeling like cutting. Meh.

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Responses

  1. That is something i wish you luck with and i was wondering about the effects about it in long term as i went to get my hair cut and the idiot hairdresser used blunt sisors to thin it and he mostly just ripped it out and i was hoping that it wouldnt have any long term effects…damn hairdressers dont even sterilise there tools!!


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