since I wrote that post last night, things went crazy at my house. Spent last night in a&e after my housemate tried to kill herself.

I am not coping. I cut. I poured hot water over my hand. I cried. I….need to go silent.

I am so sorry I have not updated this for a while. I am quite obviously rubbish!

Yes I still pull..a lot…and bite the root. I have found I do this wayyyyy more often when I am hungry. Does anyone else do this?

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I have been feeling pretty stressed recently, mainly due to work. So I decided to use the counselling service they provide…they are offering me 6 sessions for free. I am very grateful for this but kinda wish it was more of an on going support type thing. Well can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I had the first appointment today. Was strange talking about MY problems with mental health. The counsellor did one of the depression and anxiety scales with me to see if I am depressed. I didn’t think I was, because, well, I am not feeling ‘ill’ and ’suicidal’ like I used to. However she said to me my ’score’ was within the depression band. She suggested thinking about medication again, to prevent illness. I know she is right, things have been going down hill over the past couple of months. But I really don’t like everything it represent. I do not want to be ill. I do not want to be a patient. I want to be the therapist. Not the crazy one. Funny that I said I wanted on going help. This ambivalence is killing me. I want help but I don’t. Want to be gay or straight not bi. I want to live with people but I don’t. I want to change jobs but I don’t.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Also, my period has been unable to make up it’s mind. I have not had one since December…and its been trying to start for about a month or more.

LIMBO.

things have been weird the past few months. My hair pulling has gone totally out of control…I am pulling at work, in front of the TV, on public transport, in front of people, even whilst walking a long. What is happening to me? I have totally lost control with it.

I logged in today to find 26 comments to approve. 26! wow! All of them from people telling their own story and being amazed that other people pull out their hair and bite the root off too. This is the positives that have come from me setting up this blog; other people having a chance to tell their story.

You know what, just as I finished the above paragraph, I stopped, pulled out a hair from the right side of my head and bit the root off. Argh!

I am going to try and get help again…but…there are so many other things that are also issues at the moment too. Like my sexuality…and constant thoughts about cutting…even though I am not particularly down, I just miss it. Someone was talking about a new set of razorblades earlier today and it made me ‘crave’.

I wish I wasn’t so damn secretive.

Must sleep.

x

I went to the doctors a couple of days ago.

It took a while to talk about the fact I pull out my hair. The doctor was very sweet and reassured me that I wasn’t going mad. I asked about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but she said it wasn’t good for habits like mine. I disagree with this. I really think CBT could help me break down the thoughts, behaviours and feelings. Especially as I have never talked about this with someone.

The doctor however suggested Yoga and Hypnotherapy. Has anyone else out there had Hypnotherapy for trichotillomania? Has it worked? Are you a hypnotherapist who has treated people with trich? I would be really interested to hear.

I can’t afford to see a hypnotherapist at the moment, so I guess it will be back to my relaxation techniques, which do relax me but the problem is still there.

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Other stuff:

I have been feeling pretty depressed recently. Feeling angry and irritable for no real reason….I can kinda ‘correct’ my mood but really…I still feel it and partly I find comfort and safety in depression. I feel so lonely and distant from people at the moment. At work I am stressed but find that working in mental health is rewarding. Yes…I work in mental health. Lots of ’service users’ work in mental health which I think is great.
Anyway, I just feel so low. It doesn’t help that I have my period at the moment and it’s really heavy and painful.

Blergh.

I get a lot of comments left here. Sadly I do not have time anymore to respond to everyone BUT I do read every single comment. Every one means sooooooooooo much. Thank you. It really helps. Here are some of the personal stories people have shared. (I have taken names and email addresses out.)

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Person 1:

I’ve been a Trickster for about 13 years and never knew that others had the same thing. I’ve dealt with depression and being suicidal..the whole nine yards. It’s refreshing to know I am not the only one that pulls. I actually pull my lashes out and they are pretty much bare. It is so frustrating and embarrassing…

Person 2:

oh this is exactly how i feel as well. it’s like an urge and i cant stop i always wear my hair up and people are always like why don’t you ever wear it down. i simply say. ” because i don’t feel like it” i don’t get in the pool with people or else my bald scalp will show. i just wish there was a cure.

Person 3:

i am so glad i have found this website, i have been pulling my hair out for 8 years and i am 18 now. now i finally know that there are more people with this condition than i thought so glad i’m not the odd 1 out. i tend to wear a wig these days because when i went to school and even now i get really badly bullied for it off people that know me in the street. i feel that and wish that i can wake up one day and i wont get that horrid temptation. i only ever pulled hair out of my head for some reason but still it it has put a hell of a lot of pressure in my life. i hate going out or leaving my bfs side because i get paranoid that people know or there staring at me. its completely ruined my confidence and my independence

Person 4:

I’ve been a puller for 11 years or so. Eyelashes and eyebrows mainly. I find myself in trances when I use my laptop too but unfortunately my work is solely based around using a computer so I have a lot of difficulty trying to stop. When I realise I’m doing it, I usually sit on my hand or put it in the pocket of my hoody or on my belly to make me stop and make myself aware of it. I’ve picked out only 10 hairs today from doing this rather than the million I’d pick out any other day. I’m determined to lower my pull count and have been doing lots of research on trich over the past few days. Awareness seems to be the key.

Person 5:

I am a 28 year old female who suffers from Trichotillomania and I have for 14 years. It started with trauma in my life and escalated to something I couldn’t control. I was eating the hair I was pulling and over 7 years it built up to the point where I could no longer digest my food properly because the hairball took up the entire space in my stomach. I had gone to doctors over many years but got no real answers even though my stomach was clearly larger from the blockage. I was ashamed to tell anyone what the problem was as I knew all along why I was feeling so sick. I thought I was crazy and who would actually pull hair out and eat it. Eventually I had to visit emergency and wouldn’t leave or take no for an answer. I told them to get a specialist in to do an endoscopy and they found what they call a trichobezoar or hairball. I was told I was 6 months away from dying had this been left untreated. This is not something to be taken lightly, if you or someone one you know may have this problem please tell them to get help. I went for surgery in 2001 and never ate my hair again. I still find myself pulling more often then not but I am consciously working on it day by day. We are not alone and there is help we can get, but the most powerful help we can get is from the will of our own minds. It can be overcome….if you make the choice.

Person 6:

Ive been pulling from the back of my head since I was 13. I stopped when I went to college about 3 years then it started up again & I had to shave my head. I kept it shaved for years then my fiance begged me to grow it out for our wedding. 2 weeks after the wedding (now) I started up again. I want to shave my head to stop it but I want long hair again I pulled so much the past two days. Its not noticeable yet.. I mean it is, but my hair covers it still. It just feels so good & what sucks the most about it is that after pulling ill obsessively look at the damage..I can’t stop looking at the damage in the mirror saying to myself ‘ok its a smallish bald spot & if I stop right now it can be covered up & I say ok this is the last hair. I find the last hair that feels really good & say I am done forever. Within a few hours I screw up & pull again then I have to go look to see if the damage is a lot worse or not. Im so sick of wasting my time looking at it but I can’t stop.

Person 7:

Wow…yeah, I pull my hair all the time too; I have had this terrible problem since I was 13 or 14 & vowed to stop since then, but it never goes away. I am disgusted with myself every time I pull, but I can’t make myself stop. My hair has thinned quite a lot since then, (I used to have beautiful long hair but have cut it since from embarrassment partly as well as experimentation). I don’t even pick it up off the floor partly out of fear of seeing the amount of hair & also because my mum parent’s vacuum regularly & insist on it . I have sometime’s collected some off the floor though as it fall’s on my books & cd’s by my bed if I pull in bed & it really scare’s me…I don’t want to be bald by them time I’m in my early 20’s! I’m only 19 now. I have naturally golden hair and would really love to grow it long again like it used to be, I really miss that; and luckily it can be mostly conceiled that I pull it now – but I’m worried if I keep going it won’t be a secret for long. But whole immediate family know’s about it though and are very worried. And between washing it you can notice the thinness even more, I don’t know what to do – I have OCD/have been diagnosed w/ it, but my Doctor says it’s not the exact same disorder.

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Please keep leaving your stories, sharing and educating the world. It starts here.

x

so as the title says, I am an idiot.

Last week I had a doctors appointment booked on Monday. I got confused and thought it was on Tuesday and so missed it. I was going to pluck (haha for the pun there) up the courage to ask for help. Well I shall have to try and book an appointment for next week.

Tomorrow I have a hairdressers appointment. I am so nervous, not had my haircut since March. My hair is thin around my ears, particularly on the left side and  there is a lot of new growth…but I do not have bald patches at the moment, not like I used to. Hairdressers always ask about the new growth, its embarrassing.
I remember back when I was 14…I had pulled all my hair from the crown of my head. I didn’t even realise there was a bald patch until I was laying in the bath and felt the cold of the bath tub on the back of my head. It made me feel sick. Anyway, it grew back about 8cm but just looked so stupid so I pulled it out again….and got another bald patch. I made a conscious decision then, to let it grow back and pull from all over my head rather than just one spot. So I did this….and it grew back bright red and coarse. It didn’t match my hair and just looked so stupid. I didn’t have my hair cut for a couple of years and never wore my hair down from the ages of 14-18. Thankfully six years later it has grown out and back to normal, but I still have a fear of hairdressers..and their questions.

Argh! I wish I could just stop pulling, it appears so simple, yet I keep finding my hair back to my head, PULLING.

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In other stuff happening…I have felt pretty low recently and totally out of control. Also feel really really big and fat and generally disgusting. Have been cutting back on food, having a cuppa soup for lunch etc. But I still feel big. I am a size 8. I really don’t understand why I feel like this at the moment. I also really really feel like cutting myself again. I was out shopping earlier and I was in Claire’s Accessories and I just thought, I need to cut…deeply and soon.

I also keep having thoughts of hating people. Everyone. I love people really, but my brain keeps telling me to hate everyone and its really really upsetting.

I can’t be bothered to type anymore.

well I don’t seem to write as much as I would like to. I haven’t really done much since my last entry. I am still trying to cope with recent ‘events’ and the fact I have a brand new job. I have felt so so SO tired recently. Getting out of bed is getting more difficult and I have generally felt more and more low and anxious. Well starting a new job is anxiety provoking for anyone really, but with recent events, it has felt way more stressful.

I have started going into ‘trances’. This is where I am just sat stuck, pulling out hair after hair after hair, biting off every root. Its worse when I am at my computer. I feel so out of control. Even when writing this I am pulling. My hair is so thin. Today I have tried so hard not to pull. When I find myself doing it, I hit my hand and swear at myself. It feels like my hand has its own mind and just automatically goes back to my head to pull out my hair!!! Then I find myself doing it again! Why? I really do not know. I am even doing this at work, in important meetings…sitting on my hands to try and stop, but I still find myself doing it in front of people and at my desk. I walk past the doctors surgery every day…I really think I might go in tomorrow and book myself an appointment. I really need help with this, I am in way over my head.

Anyone else go into trances?

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Trichotillomania was mentioned on the UK show Embarrassing Illnesses last week! I was so happy to see real people getting treatment….

Here is the site: http://www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/conditions/tricholtillomania

xx

been a right roller coaster recently.

Basically, I was sexually assaulted just under a month ago. I live in London…and I should know better then to go on the tube on my own late at night drunk. Some would say I was asking for it to happen, taking such a stupid risk.

I had had such a wonderful evening, laughed lots, seen some lovely people…but was very tired and drunk by about midnight and decided to get the tube home. I’ve done it a million times so wasn’t even thinking of the risk…but when I was on the Piccadilly line, a Greek looking man got on. I was standing up by the door and closed my eyes as I was so tired. He came over to me and started asking where I was changing trains and I told him (stupidly) and he said he was getting off at the station before. I nod…smile politely and shut my eyes, drifting in and out of consciousness. I remember waking up and feeling him pressing against me and in my daze I looked around and the carriage was empty…and then felt his hand on my thigh. I started to get scared but couldn’t move as he had cornered me. By this point he was moving his hand further up my thigh, which was completely inappropriate…but I still couldn’t move. In my drunken state I decided I was better off pretending I was still 1/2 asleep, scared in case he did something else to me. I remember I moved my leg so that his hand would not be touching me anymore but he just moved his hand back and then proceeded to touch me where he really should not have done.  Then when he was finished he touched my face and told me it was my stop next before jumping off the tube.

I don’t know if I should have reported this to the police…after all there was no evidence and I was really drunk. I just went home, dusted myself off and pretended everything was fine. I blocked it out my head really.

You would thing that was it…but no. Saturday night I was out with some friends and we got attacked. I was kicked and chased, one friend got kicked too another got hit round the head and another with a belt buckle. All in a packed London street at about 10pm. No one tried to help us, it was completely unprovoked too.

Once we got to the club, I went to the toilets, still feeling shaky from having to run away and from being so damn scared….I locked myself in the toilets, calmly took a safety pin off from my dress and cut my hip six times. Then I calmly pinned it back on myself, composed myself and acted as if nothing at all had happened.

I keep panicking when out, that someone is coming to get me, that someone is coming to kick me or touch me or attack me in a worse way then the past two times this month. Also…things come in threes right? Whats coming next? I am so anxious that I am pulling out SO much hair. I have realised stress makes pulling worse for me. I know its kinda obvious but I have only really just realised.

In other news, I had a period lasting from the end of july to the end of september. Needless to say I felt ill and sad and angry at my body. PCOS is fucking with my body again.

I don’t really feel too good at the moment.

argh. I am pulling so so so much recently. My hair is really thin and I am wearing lots of clip in hair extensions to cover up. I just cant stop. I am so stressed at the moment, as have taken on a new high up job…

I keep wondering what the hell I am doing…would quite like to crawl into a hole and disappear.

I just cant stand all this pulling, starving and just general fakeness.

I kissed a beautiful girl on saturday…followed  by a beautiful girl who used to be a boy…I am not really sure what I am doing anymore. I just throw myself at people. Those two girls are beautiful but I dont really like them in a sexual way.

Why do I do this to myself?

oh my. I think I had the most magic day of my life yesterday. So wonderful….

but I can’t stop pulling even though I want to. I really want to.