pulling out hair

slip back

glitterseason — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:32:04 +0000

A week and half ago I started pulling again after a month pull free. I site stresses at work and worries about friends as triggers. Two of my closest friends were admitted to hospital, one is well now but the other is still very unwell and I constantly worry about her. I also missed two therapy sessions (due to me being on holiday and the therapist being sick). I think all this combined has weakened my motivation? It’s pretty frustrating because I have lost control again and can’t seem to stop myself. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my therapist last week, thinking I could do it on my own. Evidently I cant. Hmm.

Tomorrow I shall try again.

29 days pull free!!!

glitterseason — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:49:12 +0000

no joke….almost a month pull free! I honestly never believed I could do this, but I can and I AM. If I can do it, anyone can.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have the urge every single day, but I seem to be more aware of it then before. I know when I am doing it. I take a deep breath and stop myself. I have also found shouting at myself helpful too………!

I have also started ‘treating’ myself, that is giving myself little things and telling myself I deserve it. This is helping with self esteem and confidence. Try it, it helps.

Hope everyone is ok xxx

17 days pull free

glitterseason — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:00:07 +0000

I have made 17 days without pulling. I am so shocked. I cannot believe it. If I can do it anyone can.

I have had an unbelievably stressful week this week and yet I have not pulled. I have never had a day free since I was 13 (over half my life ago!)

I FEEL LIBERATED.

Another day pull free!

glitterseason — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:30:23 +0000

Yep! Seriously; I haven’t pulled at all today too. I was at work too and I usually do it at work when I am stressed or at the computer, or both! Yesterday I accidently pulled one hair! So for four days I have only pulled two hairs! I am slightly shocked as I have only had three sessions now and only talked about trich for one and half sessions. Some kind of conciousness has awoken in me and I seem more aware of myself when I am about to pull and can stop it.

I have started to wonder if my therapist has pulled…purely because she seems to know a lot about trich. She asked if I bite the root, eat it etc. She also knew about searching for a particular type of hair. More importantly she used trich language, ie talking about being ‘pull free’. She could have just done her research well but I am not so sure…but what ever, it doesn’t matter because CBT is really helping.

I looked up the service I am being treated at and found out it costs the NHS £139 per session. I am honestly so shocked and part of me wonders if I am worth it, if I am taking up a space which someone who is iller then me could use. I guess that is just my anxiety speaking.

one day pull free!

glitterseason — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 00:35:30 +0000

something is working; I haven’t pulled AT ALL today! I can’t believe it, this has never happened before!!!! The CBT must be working….

I HAVE STARTED CBT!!!!

glitterseason — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 23:50:50 +0000

YES!!!!!

That’s right, 8 months after my initial assessment and two and a half years since my referral, I have finally started having CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)! I feel so lucky that I can’t quite believe it is real! I have been offered between 10 and 20 sessions, all on the NHS. I have a CBT therapist in training, but this is ok with me. She seems quite competent. Interestingly when she left me a message on my phone, I could hear in her voice that she probably had a cleft pallet but when I met her I wasn’t sure. She has a “visual difference” but is pretty and quite young. I find it difficult talking to people near my age purely because I feel stupid that I am being treated by someone who could possibly also be in their 20′s and same age as me, however this is my own issue. I felt too scared to mention trich in the first session, but I managed to in my second session. I really had to force myself as I find it so embarressing to talk about. I am not even sure if I can bring myself to talk about the bit where I bite the root off. Ergh. My homework this week is to think about how I feel when I pull, what hairs I choose, what I am thinking at the time…This made me think; what hairs do you pull?

I always pull fairly short ones. But my usual thoughts are “oh I am pulling, STOP STOP STOP STOP” and eventually I stop. I am usually just sitting watching TV or on my computer at work. Sometimes I am anxious, sometimes I am just hungry.

I am scared to stop this habit as I am so embarressed by it and I would really like my hair to be thicker, however pulling my hair out is relaxing and feels nice. Part of me does not want to give up….

it is going to be quite a journey; considering I have other problems I should probably deal with too.

root

glitterseason — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 21:38:14 +0000

I know a lot of people with trich bite the root off. I do and it’s a lot of the motivation to find the ‘right’ root that means I keep pulling. I love to find a ‘big’ root and to bite it lightly in the middle and then remove it with my teeth. Obviously I then eat the root. I feel terribly ashamed of this and am always worried someone will catch me. They never have (or just never said anything). I can’t even bring myself to tell my doctor that I do this common behaviour. It’s a habit which is far too embarrassing to ever discuss but that makes me wonder about recovery. I am still on a waiting list for CBT (it has now been 6 months since my assessment and over 2 years since my referral). CBT works when you are honest. I know I am going to have to discuss this embarrassing habit with someone who may not have ever treated someone with trich. The thought fills me with horror!

Has anyone ever done this?

Well

glitterseason — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 09:47:12 +0000

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted here. This is going to be a short one for now.

I have had my assessment for CBT and am now on the waiting list; so far it’s been 4 months and two years have passed since my referral date!

BUT in good news, I am really well at the moment. I haven’t ever felt this well! I have energy, the world is beautiful again, I haven’t self harmed in 8 months and it has been really EASY. I feel so lucky that my mood has just lifted and I don’t feel depressed. Life is so much easier without depression, food tastes better, people are enjoyable to be around, hobbies are possible, sleeping is easier, work is easier…everything is so amazing.

Hair pulling-wise; I am still doing it. It is the one thing which does not correlate to my mood. I still do it if I am happy, sad, anxious, depressed etc etc. But we shall see how I can recover….

a referral!

glitterseason — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 21:47:50 +0000

Wow. Yes I have a referral! It’s taken almost two years to get an appointment for an assessment and I am so relieved. It is with the psychotherapy department over at South London and Maudsley (SLAM) for CBT (Cognitive behavioural Therapy). It would be long-term, for around 18-40 weeks. Which is a massive relief for me as this is what I need. However I am nervous that I wont be able to properly articulate my problems. I find it so difficult to talk about self-injury let alone hair pulling….I am really good at covering up and hiding what is wrong. At the moment I am pretty well mentally and have been for over a month. I have to fill in lots of paper assessments to send back before my appointment in early march.

Wish me luck!!

happy new year!

glitterseason — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 20:36:53 +0000

wow! How is it 2011? I hope everyone is well!

I’ve had a few ups and downs since my last entry. Late November I broke up with my boyfriend. It was difficult and the relationship had been going wrong since March when he gave me an STI…. obviously I was/am extremely angry and hurt, especially as I have never had unprotected sex in my life, which I think is quite unusual for a girl in her mid-20s. I thought I could forgive him and move on, but nothing has been the same since. I was avoiding sex and feeling more and more miserable and in the end we drifted apart. He ended it. That night, we met in London and he told me we should split. I was so upset, I don’t like crying on public transport, so I travelled home before I could cry. When I arrived home I just cried and cried. I drank a bottle of ginger wine (which I now hate!!!) and cut myself. It was honestly a massive relief. I cut myself about 60 times in one go. I could finally breathe. When I awoke in the morning, I felt so much better, like my body had been purged of all the hurt and pain felt since march.

Since then, things have got better. I feel so much happier. I am enjoying being single. Work has improved. Life has improved in general. I haven’t self harmed and for the first time in ages, I havent even had the urge. I have been to parties, clubs, gigs and house parties and I even got to sleep with a girl…

But what all this proves is that the hair pulling has NOT decreased or increased. It seems mood has no impact on trich for me. Maybe anxiety sometimes, but I find myself doing it all the time. It is a habit of poor impulse control, not mood. Hmph.

So happy 2011!

Oh….still haven’t heard from the CMHT….